So, here's my first real post.

Background Info:
- I've had some problems with depression
- Cutting
- Very suicidal (no attempts, I'm not ready yet)
- Problems with eating
- Dangerously low self esteem
- I am seeing a psychologist and am not on meds

Anyway, my depression varies. One day I'll be "fine" and the next I'll be horrible. I'm never HAPPY though. I can smile. I can laugh. Whipdeedo. I'm not happy. Laughing and smiling are surface emotions. Not thorough emotions. I do not feel happy. I can honestly say I completely hate myself.
I'm not cutting anymore. But I really fucking want to. It was taken away from me. I regret telling anyone I cut. If I hadn't, who knows where I'd be now? Sure, it's good I don't cut anymore. But I wasn't done. I just want to disappear. No one will notice anyway. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I told myself last night that all I would have to eat today was the rest of my sub from last night. So far, today I've had a hamburger, some snow peas, a brownie, grapes, and a "wafer bar." I'm disgusting. I told myself that if I didn't eat what I was told to today, I wouldn't eat for two days. But I'm such a failure. I'm horrible. I'm fine with not eating for two days. But I know I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm too weak. I'm a failure.

I want to be skinny. The number on the scale says I'm fine. People tell me I'm "so thin!" But why don't I see it? WHY? Why can't I love myself? Why can't I be so confident? I'm not. I want to hide or die somewhere.

I'm so ready for everything to be over. But I'm not quite ready yet. I haven't fully prepared myself. But who knows? I'm not sure how long that will take. It could be tomorrow, it could be next year. I don't know. But trust me. I'm getting closer.

Hi, my name is Tegan, I'm 15 and I live in Canada.
I'm going to be using this blog to VENT. Vent about everything.
I'm not a happy person. I've struggled with depression and I think a little bit of an eating disorder (anorexia) as well.

I want to be thin. And I'm trying to get there. Please just don't stop me. This is the only thing I will have ever actually done, and I don't want to be stopped.