No one cares. I love how after I've been home for almost three hours, my mother doesn't call. She doesn't call to see if I'm okay. Or to say hi. Nothing. My sister was supposed to get home at around 4:00. 4:01, the phone rings:
"Hi! Is your sister home yet?"
"Yeah, she just got home."
"Okay, good. How did she say babysitting was?"
"She said it was fine."
"Okay! How was your day?"
"Fine."
"Gotta go! Bye!"
Gee, thanks mom. Appreciate it.

I wish I could give myself advice and believe it. I give so many people advice and I talk to them about what's going on in their lives. I want to help them get better. I tell them suicide isn't the answer, they aren't fat, they're beautiful, they deserve to be happy, blah, blah, blah. But why can't I tell that to myself? Why can't I be happy?

I don't get it. I don't get anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. At all.

For the first time in over a month, I cut today. I carved the word 'FAT' into my leg. And two other lines. On Saturday, I wrote 'FAILURE' but it didn't show up. It was just a scratch. Today, it bled. I like to watch it bleed. It makes it feel better.
I'm not telling anyone this time. Not even my psychologist. I don't want to be stopped. I want to disappear. Last time they stopped me.
I'm. Not. Done. Yet.

So, here's my first real post.

Background Info:
- I've had some problems with depression
- Cutting
- Very suicidal (no attempts, I'm not ready yet)
- Problems with eating
- Dangerously low self esteem
- I am seeing a psychologist and am not on meds

Anyway, my depression varies. One day I'll be "fine" and the next I'll be horrible. I'm never HAPPY though. I can smile. I can laugh. Whipdeedo. I'm not happy. Laughing and smiling are surface emotions. Not thorough emotions. I do not feel happy. I can honestly say I completely hate myself.
I'm not cutting anymore. But I really fucking want to. It was taken away from me. I regret telling anyone I cut. If I hadn't, who knows where I'd be now? Sure, it's good I don't cut anymore. But I wasn't done. I just want to disappear. No one will notice anyway. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

I told myself last night that all I would have to eat today was the rest of my sub from last night. So far, today I've had a hamburger, some snow peas, a brownie, grapes, and a "wafer bar." I'm disgusting. I told myself that if I didn't eat what I was told to today, I wouldn't eat for two days. But I'm such a failure. I'm horrible. I'm fine with not eating for two days. But I know I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm too weak. I'm a failure.

I want to be skinny. The number on the scale says I'm fine. People tell me I'm "so thin!" But why don't I see it? WHY? Why can't I love myself? Why can't I be so confident? I'm not. I want to hide or die somewhere.

I'm so ready for everything to be over. But I'm not quite ready yet. I haven't fully prepared myself. But who knows? I'm not sure how long that will take. It could be tomorrow, it could be next year. I don't know. But trust me. I'm getting closer.

Hi, my name is Tegan, I'm 15 and I live in Canada.
I'm going to be using this blog to VENT. Vent about everything.
I'm not a happy person. I've struggled with depression and I think a little bit of an eating disorder (anorexia) as well.

I want to be thin. And I'm trying to get there. Please just don't stop me. This is the only thing I will have ever actually done, and I don't want to be stopped.